Yeah, I really don't have an excuse for not having updated in the past few months. I mean I've been playing games, hanging out with Kim, and doing college shit.

I'm hoping for that to change soon. I actually had a dream last night that I woke up driving in this perfect land at sunrise and I began taking pictures. Odd I know, and I have been dabbling in poetry again lately. I think I'll idle poetryplease again, who knows what could happen?

Augusta:

Born. Walked. Talked. Hello Elena. Do I know you anymore? How long ago did you die? Maybe I didn't talk. I babbled. A warm embrace. A bed in which I couldn't sleep. Sneak into the other room and listen to them sleep. The malice disappears and I remove myself.

Oh lord. It's all on TV. And maybe it's within the storms that cried on my house and cried within my head. Everything was perfectly set up, yet so wrong. Cold frost at my fingertips, pure wonder in my head. Lost and oblivious and perfect within nowhere. Staying there would mean nothing though. How is it that meaning is required to be sculpted, either in heart or mind?

Stuck in a dead home, hours upon hours of waiting, memorizing. I can't even remember it. Kick a tree. Break a door. Run in joy. What is it all? What is this, a happy childhood? Run the toy across the floor, stare in disappointment as it will never unmodel itself. Smiles empty and hands full, always receiving from the hands that held bottles, pens, and hair. Warm hands pressed against my cheek, yet only escaped from the life distorted.

You ask me to relive these days, and my thoughts only serve up a synopsis of infinitesimal disappointments and hopes. Two fragile furry lives run in. I smile yet never feel. Tell me how different we are. Tell me right now, you, tell me how different you feel than me. It's bleak but it's full. It's beautiful, but it's so dismal. I want out, or maybe I just want in. God I'll never know, it's all so far gone, everything just becomes so far gone. So gone. Lost opportunity, squandered on greed and ignorance for my own pleasure and then lack thereof.

I follow and follow, yet go nowhere just as you go somewhere. Spectating the world of flips and turns as I ask why can't I do it. And I do it and I cry. Selfish. That's all I am. I'm a selfish actor, that's what I evolved into. Perhaps not for everything, but after losing your love you only think of replicating a world of meaningless, hopeless, selfish lies. And that's so far away. How did I become this? Will I live? I had. I turned myself into the prodigy of everything, the future hope, the kid with an undying passion for progress. But only halfway. So you saw the launch but I never came down. Lost in the stars and caught up with the knowledge of nothing and everything, how is it possible I don't even want to explore them now? Hearts and thoughts, stars and storms. Release me into a world where I saw it all and did nothing. How many like me are there, how many have walked this Earth in dazed, empty joy thinking that their turn would stop the world's, and yet simply self-destruct?

You ask me why I think I'll blow up, and I can tell you now. I'll grow, and I'll live, but the wind will blow away the dust of my remains and lost chances into the next doomed prodigy.

Thanks Augusta. It was good knowing you, but you're as empty as I and it's time to change that. You were ALL involved in this, but fuck.

# songs on playlist: 2110
# cigarettes in past day: 3
# court dates in the next 5 hours: 1
# deviations this month as of now: 52
# hours of sleep I'll actually get: 2 or 3?

hahahaaa .... at least I do well with looking fine after no sleep

It's a little too late
I'm a little too gone
I'm a little too tired of just hanging on
So I'm letting go while I'm still strong enough to
It's got a little too sad
I'm a little too blue
It's a little too bad
You were too good to be true
I'm big time over you baby
It's a little too late.

Yeah, I don't even feel like cutting those lyrics out as I usually do when I randomly start typing them, sucks for you all.

Strangely I'm not proud of my work at all, sure I like it and I want comments, compliments, and opinions on them. But most of all, I want people to give me constructive advice on how to improve composition and effect, both in my poetry and photography. I want my work ripped apart. And all of this applies to my life as well. I want to be destroyed so I can rebuild myself in the best manner possible. I've been destroyed in the past, but didn't realize my opportunity to improve and found only opportunities to try many new things.

This I don't regret actually. I am glad I went crazy and did all I did, even if it cost me a lot and put some shit on my record and is responsible for my court date in a few hours. I don't really mind. I am sorry for anyone I hurt or almost hurt beyond repair, but I think I know what direction I want to go and how I'm going to do it. I'm going to work my ass off on what I want to do. I'm going to actually write, I'm going to ignore people's weird looks when I pull out a pen and paper or a tripod and camera.

I'm not good. I'm actually quite mediocre right now in the majority of my work. Some of it has some neat potential, and I can give decent critique, but I can do so much better. I can feel it. I'll do what it takes to get where I want artistically. And nobody's going to stop me. Call me conceited, call me stupid or say I have tunnelvision. But while you try to cover my eyes with your insults, compliments, or complacency, I'll keep working.

a rebirth of activity

that's right, I'm getting back into DA. A year after I signed up for DA, I've subscribed to it for three months Yesss .. and let's see here. I'm beginning to take some actual photography and I'm going to take some serious note of some lessons around here. Also I'm going to review poetry and workshops for it during the summer to improve my own. If I can become a respectable photographer/poet by the time I have to go up to UGA, that'd be great. Keeping my writing skills up is a must too for those papers up there Hmmm yep! Life is good. I just gotta get some sleep .. and maybe some food too ... yeah.